Finding Motivation When Things Get Hard

I touched on parts of this topic in the last post about New Years resolutions, but motivation is one of the areas I cover with clients most frequently, because it’s a challenge for everyone some of the time. If you add on depression, anxiety, ADHD, or chronic illness, it becomes even more difficult! But it’s certainly a universal experience to have some difficulty doing the things we know we should do, need to do, or even want to do. For example: I want to exercise more, I know I should because of how my body needs the movement for physical and mental health management, but it doesn’t make it easier to get started in the moment. So why are we ambivalent or avoidant (procrastinate!) about doing things we say we want, should, or need to do? And how do we try to improve it?

Let’s start with why: Sometimes when we’re ambivalent or procrastinate it’s because we feel like things are out of our control and rebelling against “shoulds” helps us feel in control. Sometimes we avoid making changes because it feels like it’s other people making those decisions for us and we resist as a subconscious way of speaking up or having a boundary. Sometimes it’s because we fear failure or not being good at something new. Other times we avoid tasks from an underlying frustration or resentment with lack of support from those around us: “They’ll just ruin my diet by bringing home fast food again.” “They’ll just mess it up again, so why bother?” A super common reason is that we don’t make changes because we’re not uncomfortable enough with the way the current behaviors/habits fit into our life. Examples: Not cleaning our rooms till they get too cluttered or smelly to cope with, not doing dishes till we have run out of dishes, or even not exercising until there’s a real health consequence.

Reasons why we fail to complete tasks or fail to make changes, is often more obvious than figuring out what to do fix it. But here’s a few ideas to help!

Tap into emotions under the avoidance or ambivalence: Finding the underlying reason you’re not motivated to make a change, complete a task, or work on something, can help you sort out if there are other areas of your life that should be more of a priority. There may be necessary building blocks of support that are missing! For example, if you lack social support in the home from family for cleaning, figuring out how to improve those relationships, how to let go of resentment at lack of help, or asking for additional help outside of those people, might be a first step/goal…instead of focusing on why you’re not motivated to clean. Changing the language about how we talk about changing things can also help us find some motivation naturally. It’s rare someone is going to be motivated to exercise if they’re constantly telling themselves it’s only because they’re lazy that they don’t! Tell yourself you can make positive changes and that you’re capable of doing hard things often enough, and your brain starts to believe it!

To quote Bandura (1985) “unless people believe that they can produce desired effects and forestall undesired ones by their actions, they have little incentive to act. Whatever other factors may operate as motivators, they are rooted in the core belief that one has the power to produce the desired results” (p.228).

Just start the thing: One of my therapy supervisors used to consistently say “Action precedes motivation!”, which basically means that starting the task has to happen before motivation to complete the task follows. In practice: have you ever avoided folding pile of clothes that seemed to keep piling up? Eventually, because you’re sick of looking at it looming in the laundry basket, you decide to start it or even just do some of it. Sometimes you might give up after a few items get folded, but more often than not, you’ll just get the task done since you’re already doing it.

I often tell clients to just start a task they’re avoiding. They don’t have to do the whole task, but commit to one minute or five, and see if the motivation comes. But also allow yourself to be done after the time you committed to without judgement about stopping or lack of completing the task. Just agree to come back to do another minute at another time. I personally do this with exercise because it doesn’t matter if I do 20 minutes straight of movement, or 5 minute chunks throughout my day if I’m too tired or overwhelmed that particular day. Smaller chunks are just as good! Clean a corner of a room instead of the whole room in one sitting! One minute is better than zero minutes when it’s something beneficial to your life.

Make a task more fun! Who says exercise has to be running on a treadmill for 30 minutes? Would it be more fun to take a dance class or go for a hike outdoors? Put on music while you clean your house. Watch your favorite reality show while you meal prep. Have your partner or a friend sit with you in the same room or talk to you while you complete a task you’ve been putting off. Go sit by the local pond while you do the thing! The options are honestly endless, incorporating something more fun into boring or mundane or difficult tasks will make it easier.

Create a measurable and trackable goal that is doable for where you’re at: “I want to eat healthier.” “I want to exercise more.” “I want to keep the house clean.” These are all great goals but not really great at telling us if we’re actually doing better or getting things done. In therapy, our treatment plans need to be measurable somehow to make sure we’re making progress on something we commit to, and it’s a good model. “I want to swap 4 dinners a week for salad.” or “I want to move my body 20 minutes at a time 3 days a week” or “I want to tidy up one room a day during the week when I come home from work”. These are better phrased, with a number and a time frame, so we can evaluate if we’re doing what we committed to ourselves.

But also make damn sure you can actually achieve it where you’re currently at! You can set a goal high if you want, but you’re likely to give up if you consistently can’t meet your own expectations. If you’re in a chronic illness flare, you’re probably not gonna be capable of running a 5k every day! You might have to start at 10 minutes a day based on your fitness level and work your way up. Once you set a reasonable, achievable, measurable goal, you can evaluate if too high or too low depending on how challenging it is for you. There’s often a sweet spot where you’re pushing yourself a little, but not too much that you consistently fail at your goal. I tell clients their treatment plan is always a work in progress, just like every other area of life, and we can adjust and re-calibrate at any time.

Reward yourself! If you achieve a goal or accomplish a task, don’t be shy about rewarding or treating yourself. Sticker charts work for a lot of kids for a reason. Most of us have worked at a job that we only went to because we got paid for it, or only did a task because we knew someone would praise us for it. Reinforcing positive behaviors we want to see from ourselves is just as necessary. Sometimes you can build it into the goal: ‘If I finish all my paperwork today, I will get Starbucks on the way home.’ ‘If I pass the test I will treat myself to weekend away.’ ‘If I go for a walk today, i will allow myself to read my book for an hour without guilt’ Whatever is a motivating reward for you will work, even if it costs nothing!

Last tip is to go easy on yourself: Some days you’re only going to be able to give 50% and if that’s the best you could do, it’s 100% for that day even if it’s not 100% of what you’re capable of. Goals and motivation are a moving target so adjust all the time, don’t beat yourself up if you’re not able to do things, or see progress, or achieve something, as quickly or as successfully as you hoped. And as always, don’t be afraid to ask for help to support where you need it.

Good luck out there, and I hope this helps!

A double rainbow for extra luck! 😉

Happy New Year! 2024 here we come…

If you’ve read through any of my past posts, you may have noticed I dislike the concept of New Year’s resolutions. For me personally, and sooo many people I’ve encountered in my career, winter is the worst time for motivation! It’s cold, dark, and slow, and there’s an effect on us, even if you don’t get seasonal depression. The holiday season can be overly busy, with extra socializing for some people, or depressing and lonely for others. Why would we collectively, as a society, pick New Years for a time to make changes? Many of us just need a break and downtime after the last few months!

I can acknowledge that some of us may still want to make some changes and that’s ok too, if you feel like you need or want to. New Year’s Day is a good delineation of time, and gives us a natural starting point for a goal and a measurable, set time frame of a year. So here are a few tips to make a better ‘resolution’ if you’re gonna do it!

Reframe how you think of resolutions!

Why are resolutions almost always about health and dieting? They definitely don’t need to be! If you don’t have a deep value around the goal, you’re never going to be motivated to work on that thing. If I tried to make a resolution around eating less sweets, I would fail spectacularly. I truly enjoy baking and eating, and sharing those with friends and family.

Try to tap into your values (what’s important to you in life, what sort of person you want to be, what is meaningful to you) and create a goal around one or more of those. If you value spending time with friends and family, make a resolution to schedule and host regular friend dinners, or to reach out once a week to specific friends to stay up to date. If you value being a kind and compassionate person, maybe make a resolution to volunteer with a local homeless or animal shelter a few times a year. When you tap into what you value, you can take steps toward living the life that embodies those qualities.

Make resolutions fun!

We can (and should!) set goals around things that bring us more joy into our daily lives. Make a goal to read more books, watch more movies, do less work, do more art, rest more, eat more soup…whatever you find moments of happiness doing/eating/being. I actually know people doing a soup resolution this year so that’s why I use it as an example! A goal can literally be something you want more of in your life, and not always something you’re cutting out or restricting or NEED to do.

Create a way to measure progress!

One of the ways therapists set goals for a treatment plan is to make them measurable and check in with them regularly. Set the time frame to check in, even if it’s every month, or 6 months, or not till the end of the year. How do you know if you’ve achieved what you want if you don’t have some way of tracking? If you want to eat more soup, maybe the goal is to try a new soup once a week and you keep a note in your phone about what soup you’ve tried each week. Whether you want to do something multiple times a week, once a month, or once a quarter, find a frequency to aim for so you can see if you’re meeting your goal.

Keep it loose and flexible if you need to!

I am a person that doesn’t like too much rigidity. When I quit smoking in my 20’s, my brain would not have done well with saying I could never have a cigarette ever again. It would have craved cigarettes intensely and any cigarette smoking would have felt like a massive failure, and I probably would have started smoking again. I allowed myself to say ‘I’m not smoking but I can have a cigarette if I really want one.’ The first year after I ‘quit’, I smoked maybe 6 cigarettes. The next year, it was around 3. Eventually it was zero, but even now, many years later, I still smoke one every few years. However, if I do smoke a cigarette, I don’t feel like I failed completely and need to go out to buy a pack of cigarettes again.

So if you set a goal for the year and you have a moment (or many!) where you backslide, you can recalibrate…it doesn’t mean you have to give up. You can use those moments as a time to reevaluate if your original goal is achievable realistically at this time. You can scale it back to something more achievable for now if that’s the case. ‘All or Nothing’ mentality doesn’t serve us well, and life is actually a ton of grey area.

I hope this helps someone feel slightly better about making resolutions, if you were thinking of making some anyway.

I wish everyone a happy and healthy 2024!

New Years Day sunset 2024

What Does Self Care Mean?

I think self care might be one of the most misunderstood or oversimplified concepts in the mental health sphere, likely because of social media. I love to focus on self care in therapy because it’s so very important, and so often neglected for the sake of work, family, and partner demands. We’re told to value the ‘hustle’ and ‘grind’ or have a side gig in our free time, but the pace of modern life is unsustainable without a good self care structure in place.

So what is self care? We see spa days, bath bombs, and skincare marketed as self care.  It’s not always face masks and getting nails done, but that can be a part of self care for you if you enjoy those things. I came across this ‘hierarchy of self care’ graphic recently, and I love that it’s a strong visual of how self care builds on itself.

Graphic from @sitwithwhit on Instagram

The graphic seems to be based on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, which I’ve always felt made general sense. My oversimplification of Maslow’s premise is:  you can’t focus on higher level concepts if your basic needs aren’t being met…for example:  if you’re stuck in poverty, your priorities are unlikely to be creative and intellectual pursuits. It’s a no brainer that it would be hard to be the best version of yourself if you’re cold and hungry, etc. But while the pyramid/hierarchy levels do build on each other, it isn’t a rigid structure as more than one tier can be a motivator for behavior simultaneously, or higher needs can take priority over lower ones at times.

But back to the self care graphic at hand.  The foundational needs are the ones that are essential to being alive…these are the least fun forms of self care, but they’re the most important.  Think about how well you might handle stress when you’ve had 3 hours of sleep versus when you’ve had a full night of sleep.  Think about how you may get shaky and weak working out if you forget to eat for most of the day, versus how your body responds to demands when it’s fully nourished. Going to doctors appointments can be miserable, but keeping up with them can help you be physically well enough to accomplish other goals in life.  

Each tier builds on the other, but can also fluctuate.  There are clearly going to be times where upper needs come before lower needs.  Sometimes your relationships may be a priority before your health, or finances may come before personal safety, or creating art may be a path to finding self love.  For a more concrete example, maybe you’ve felt lonely lately!  You get invited by a friend to a group hike with some other friends, but you know your chronic illness may flare if you go on the hike that is planned.  You still go because feeling tired or some pain for a few days will be worth it for the socializing in this case. 

I believe that an overlooked aspect of self care is the part where we know what we need to feel good.  In the hiking example, we realized that socializing was important in this moment because we were lonely and our health was stable enough that it could handle a tiny dip for now.  However, most of us have a lot of difficulty identifying the things that will help in any given moment.  I think learning some level of mindfulness is important to every human functioning at their best and learning how to use self care effectively.  If you can tap into how your mind and body are feeling, it will give you an advantage in knowing how to best care for yourself.  

Emotions are signals from your mind as much as pain or itching is a signal from the body.  If you have a tiny rock in your shoe, you know to remove it when it becomes irritating or painful.  If you’re frustrated, angry, sad, or anxious, what is that telling you?  If you can tap into the underlying trigger for the emotion, you’ll be able to find a solution easier without trial and error.  For example:  is the frustration coming from the situation in front of you, or is it because you’re experiencing sensory overstimulation in the moment?  Is the anxiety stemming from a new minor diagnosis, or is it from feeling out of control?  Each issue requires a different solution or maybe a few of them, to ease the strength of the emotion.  

The best way to utilize self care will alway have a component of self awareness…of being mindful of what is happening in your mind and body at any given moment.  You get to pick what tools will work best based on the signals…a screw driver isn’t the best choice if you need pliers! 

As both the holidays and seasonal depression creep in, don’t forget to take time for self care.  Incorporate aspects of self care into your daily routines as much as possible and you won’t regret it. 

Fall Has Arrived!

The autumnal equinox has just passed, and it’s one of the times of the year where there’s roughly equal day and night. It’s a transition time where the green things are slowly going to die off, and we move into the quiet and darkness of winter. I enjoy the stark season changes we get in New England, which doesn’t apply to many states in the U.S. The winters are cold, the summers are hot, and we’ve got very clear delineation between each transition. As I’ve gotten older I learn to let my life flow more with seasonal changes, and even embrace them more. What does that look like?

The maple tree outside my home office window last autumn.

A few years ago I wrote a post about spring and how I always feel more motivated in spring. Spring is a renewal time, things are blooming and it’s gradually warming up. The days are getting longer (more sunshine!) and I always have more energy. I do a spring deep clean, work out more, set some goals for myself. Summer feels like an extension of that Spring energy. I spend more time outside, enjoying the sunshine and warmth. I swim and socialize a lot, and by the end of summer I welcome the slow down of the season change.

In contrast to spring and summer, autumn seems like a time to stop, downshift, and move into hibernation mode (winter, yuck). I clean out the garden beds, preserve leftover summer veggies, put certain outdoor supplies (tent, bug spray, beach towels) away for winter, and do a seasonal deep clean of baseboards/windows, etc. Its a preparation for the low activity and nesting feeling of winter.

So many people start to feel seasonal depression peek out at this time of year, especially in Massachusetts where winter is significantly cold and dark. Is there any way to avoid making seasonal depression worse during the season changes? I believe it’s possible with the right framework…here’s some suggestions:

If you live in the north, start supplementing vitamin D in the fall. There are definitely links between vitamin D deficiencies and low moods, plus northern climates have much higher rates of vitamin D deficiency due to the lower frequency of getting outside in the sunlight during cold seasons. It takes time to build up in your system if you’re already deficient (a high percentage of us are!) so staring early helps. It’s a good idea to get your vitamin levels tested, if B vitamins are low, it may help to also supplement these through winter as well to help with energy and focus. (I’m not a medical doctor so always consult your medical team!) You can make a commitment to get out in the sun for at least 10 minutes a day, even when it’s cold. Some skin exposure is necessary, so rolling up your sleeves and getting some Sun on your face and arms is the way, if you can tolerate it in the cold. There’s some evidence that controlled cold exposure can help with anxiety and inflammation reduction, but your mileage may vary with this!

Invest in a daylight lamp. This has been a game changer for me needing to work after sunset. In the dead of winter, sunset is often a few hours before I finish my day. I bought a small daylight lamp for my desk, and I start it in the late afternoon when the sun starts to get low in the sky. It significantly boosts my afternoon energy without needing more coffee, and I know if I drink more it will negatively effect my sleep.

Maintain healthy sleep hygiene and consistent sleep schedule as much as possible. You might need slightly more sleep in winter, but continue to strive for a consistent sleep and wake time. Our circadian rhythms are set by sunlight exposure, so the above tips (vitamin D, daily Sun exposure, and daylight lamps) help support maintaining your rhythms. Reduce blue light exposure in the evenings, use blue light blocking glasses when you can, and pick some low watt, orangey tinted light bulbs for the spaces you’re relaxing in during the few hours before bed.

When we look at a broader historical perspective, humanity has only had electricity or even gas lighting in their homes for the last 150 years at best. That’s not at all long in the whole span of human history! Prior to that time period of indoor lighting becoming common, families had relaxing winter evenings with things that they could do by firelight, candlelight or oil lamp, and went to bed fairly early. They usually woke up naturally with the sun. Just keep that nugget of information in the back of your mind during winter, and go easy on yourself if your productivity drops.

Be gentle and honor what you’re feeling. It’s OK if you start craving comfort food and avoid going outside during this time. It’s OK if you’re not motivated to set goals right now. It’s OK if you find the holiday season a little bit stressful, or if you want to say no to some activities because you’re tired or in a low mood. Unfortunately we can’t literally hibernate for winter, but we can accept and honor low energy, low motivation, and our desire for cozy comfort.

If you are still getting through your day meeting you and your family’s needs, but noticing that you have less motivation or less energy at this time of year…don’t be surprised or upset, and try to accept that it’s probably part of a natural human cycle. Do your best to find shortcuts for things like cooking, get an Instant Pot or steam in the bag veggies for quick and low stress dinners. Try to delegate things you can, for example if you are stressed about cleaning before the holiday season, hire a cleaner for a deep clean of the common areas if you can afford it. Grocery delivery is a godsend when you can’t be motivated to get out of the house. YouTube workout videos are a great alternative to getting dressed and going to a gym on a snowy, dark day. Get that pumpkin spice latte if you want it, and eat the damn mac and cheese if it brings you some joy and nostalgia. I’m sure you can come up with some others!

If these issues get to a point where they prevent you from doing things that you need or want to do, that’s a sign that there may be a larger problem like depression or actual seasonal affective disorder at play. If you can’t tell what’s happening and need some support, therapy can help you sort through the issues and decide how you can make a change that’s best for you!

Links to some items mentioned in post, and a few of my favorite fall/winter cozy items (which are NOT sponsored and I dislike Amazon, but it seems to be a necessary evil these days):

Daylight Lamp

Blue Light Glasses

Chewable Vitamin D

Electric Mattress Pad

Instant Pot Pressure Cooker

Amber Light Bulbs

Things I’ve Learned About Chronic Illness

I try to be fairly open about the effects of chronic illness in my life. Many people don’t talk about the daily struggles, and we often put on a mask to the public that shows just how “fine” we’re doing. It’s exhausting to talk about it, and it’s exhausting to NOT talk about it. I was diagnosed with Celiac disease in 2012, followed by Crohn’s disease in 2018. Both of these are considered a disability under the ADA. While both of my issues are currently well managed, it hasn’t always been that way. Years of unknown symptoms, pain, confusion, and trying to find solutions, are often the norm for chronic illness. In both my work and personal experiences, I’ve learned some things about chronic illness that may be helpful to hear…for both people with or without one.

The U.S. medical system SUCKS.

The path to getting a diagnosis is often fraught with gas lighting and ignoring from medical professionals, especially if you’re a woman or overweight. As if losing weight solves any problem, or simply having a uterus causes a million possible symptoms. Cue massive eye roll! Then, if you can convince your doctors to refer you to a specialist or test for the issues you suspect, the expenses can be staggering even with insurance. I get an infusion for Crohn’s medication every 8 weeks, and each infusion cost prior to insurance paying is about $10,000. Even with decent insurance, you’re likely going to meet deductibles and out of pocket expenses every year, and those costs for card add up quick. None of this is simple or easy to navigate and causes significant stress on top of the physical medical concerns you’re dealing with.

Getting a diagnosis can be positive and negative.

Knowing what is causing mystery problems in your body can be an immense relief. You can feel a new sense of clarity, and it feels less chaotic or out of control. You’re able to come up with a more effective action plan when you know the underlying issue or trigger is for a problem.

Diagnosis can also trigger anxiety and depression due to a plethora of new unknowns and potentially bad outcomes. There is a reason why many chronic illnesses are associated with higher rates of anxiety and depression, and only a small part of it is physiological (based on body functions). There’s so many new things to navigate with a diagnosis that weren’t there before, such as increased doctors visits, medical bills, relationship & lifestyle changes, etc. There can be a lot of grief around losing the life you had before a diagnosis.

Progress is never a straight line and can be infuriatingly slow.

Sometimes you’re chugging along and doing well for a long time, and BAM! something new comes out of nowhere to derail your progress. It can feel disheartening and depressing when negative things happen…like a medication stops working, a flare starts, pain prevents you from doing the things you want/need, etc.

During these moments its more important than usual to be gentle with yourself and your body. Human experiences like physical or mental pain are signals from your mind and body that something is going on that needs attention, and it helps if we can get further away from negative judgements about it and just view it as a signal. Discomfort, exhaustion, pain, or a flare of symptoms doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. You’re not lazy for not wanting to push through the pain to clean your house. Judgement on yourself or viewing your body negatively will not help you get to where you want to be. Those negative thoughts, frustration, and anger are totally normal. These feelings and thoughts will come up from time to time no matter what, just try not to wallow in them or allow them to take over.

When progress is slow, try to be patient, and do what you can in each moment to help support healthy habits for yourself. 5 minutes of moving your body gently is better than no movement. Adding one vegetable a day is better than removing and depriving yourself of comfort foods. Using mouthwash is better than nothing if you can’t brush your teeth. Wear the comfy sweatpants if you can’t bring yourself to put on ‘real pants’ to run an errand. Try to be ok with ‘good enough’ at these times.

Sometimes pain isn’t noticeable to others.

This is more of a reminder for the people who’ve never had a major illness or disability. People can look relatively young and healthy, but be dealing with a lot of pain just to get through the day. In fact, folks with disabilities and illnesses often become ‘immune’ to low levels of pain or brain fog, so that they no longer know what ‘normal’ feels like. Most of us are navigating with a minimum of low level daily discomfort, and still manage to get through work or errands or social gatherings. Just try to be kind and patient if someone is moving slow, not paying attention, is clumsy, isn’t dressed appropriately, or any number of other things. Remember that you never know what they’re dealing with, not all disabilities are visible.

You have to become your own best advocate.

Man, this part can be exhausting and ties into most of the points made above. You occasionally (or regularly) have to speak up for your own comfort or safety, and that can be difficult. It can feel like you’re always talking about food restrictions or complaining. Personally I have avoided asking for something I need accommodated because I don’t want to be a pain in the butt…like asking too many questions at restaurants or avoiding sending food back. You might feel guilty for things like refusing food if you’re not sure it’s safe for you, not having the energy to join friends on an outing, or being unable to cook for your partner when you’re flaring, but these are realities that you’ll have to navigate at times. Knowing when to say ‘No’ to things you can’t do at the moment, is a necessary way to advocate for yourself. Advocating also requires you to be super aware of your body, pain and energy levels, so that you can clearly see where your limits are.

Advocating in a medical setting is SO important, maybe the MOST important! I’ve heard so many horror stories from clients about doctors brushing off and dismissing concerns or symptoms…even flat out refusing tests. I often tell therapy clients that they know themselves best, so I as the therapist have to trust their experience. Medical doctors would benefit from shifting closer that perspective, which they can do while still filtering out people who may be medication seeking or experiencing hypochondria. A professional can be client centered/believe peoples experiences and also identify these kinds of outliers. Don’t be afraid to ask for a new doctor or seek second opinions.

Having a support system makes a HUGE difference.

This might be a no brainer, but we humans are social creatures. We need social support, but what that looks like can vary from person to person. A partner, a trusted friend, family member, or even a responsive and helpful medical team, can be a support system. Just ask someone who’s family or partners are not supportive, to see how detrimental it can be to well-being when there is little empathy for a disability or illness.

I do think it’s worth noting that sometimes family members or partners can take on an unhealthy level of caregiving for someone with chronic illness or disability. Boundaries continue to be important in all situations, and asking for outside help in those scenarios is key. It’s not a failure of a family member or partner to get a home health aide, hire a cleaning person, or start seeing a therapist. A good cleaning person or home health aide can be part of your support system!

But finding a community of sorts, is a key to feeling cared for. Talking with people that understand, normalize, and have empathy (not sympathy!) for you and your challenges is an amazing feeling when you find it, so seek it out when you can.

I hope this was insightful and helpful to read. My experiences in these areas have bolstered my desire to help people with chronic illness and maybe become one of the caring professionals in their life. It can be challenging but life can still be awesome with a chronic illness or disability.

6 Dating and Relationship Tips I Wish I’d Known Earlier

In my work and personal life, I’ve encountered so many different problems in relationships and dating. Dating is challenging in a culture that shames people for being single, among other things. There’s also pressure to conform to timelines of getting married, having babies, etc,…even pressure on how we conduct our relationships! I just recently listened to a podcast about sleeping arrangements and how much shame is associated with couples who choose not to sleep in the same bed! So judgey!

I decided to compile a list of some topics or tips I wish I’d learned sooner in life, because it might help someone else come to some realizations in their own relationships. This is coming from a cis hetero perspective but I hope these points can be applied more broadly as well.

1. Be aware that chaos and inconsistency is often perceived in our brains exciting, addictive, and passionate.

Passion is awesome, but a physical connection alone can’t maintain a relationship. Consistency in a partner is VERY important, but isn’t usually exciting, and it doesn’t usually feel sexy. Knowing someone will respond to your texts isn’t as fun as the anticipation of a possible text from someone you met last week.

However, someone making effort to take you on dates, maintaining a level of contact between dates you’re comfortable with, and following through on things they promise, are the foundations of a stable relationship. When you start to view chaos and inconsistency as disruptive and unsexy, it will change your relationships!

@blksmth on Instagram

2. No one is a mind reader!

Healthy relationships require you to know what you want and need, and that you express it to your partner. I love lists and when I was actively dating I made lists if quantities/behaviors I wanted in a partner, plus deal breakers. I also had screenshot reminders to myself, which included the photos I’ve used in this post. It was very helpful to my clarity in evaluating potential partner’s ability to meet my wants and needs down the road. How can you get your needs met if you don’t know what they are?

Spell out your standards to them, and let them show you if they can meet them! If your partner can’t do what you need even after you’ve made it crystal clear, they might not be the one for you. It’s up to you to decide how much you can tolerate, what you can let slide, if your needs aren’t being met, etc.

@blksmth on Instagram

3. Don’t worry about how someone feels about you, consistently and thoroughly evaluate how you feel about the person and how their behavior toward you makes you feel.

This is an important one that often gets overlooked. We sometimes get so hooked into the prior two points (inconsistency and not knowing what we really need) that we focus on obsessively evaluating whether someone likes us, instead of focusing on if we really like them! For example: when someone doesn’t text back right after a date, the first thought might be to get anxious, worry if they will text, or if they liked us. Really, we should be thinking about how the date went for us, and if we even want to see them again! When you decide what you want, you can decide what to do from there, like whether to wait or text now, offer them a next date, break it off, etc.

A lot of us are recovering people pleasers, and worry a lot about what everyone else thinks/feels instead of focusing on what we think/feel. We change our behavior trying to get someone to like us more or choose us over other options. Don’t do it!

@blksmth on Instagram

4. Just because you’ve invested time, money, have kids, etc. doesn’t mean it’s worth staying. This is called sunk cost fallacy.

If something makes you unhappy, there’s no reason that is good enough to stay. I know this is an over simplification, but I believe there’s truth to it more often than not. Just to be clear: I’m not talking about extreme circumstances, as with situations such as domestic abuse or chronic illness.

Personally I’ve been in a marriage feeling stuck, like I didn’t have options. It wasn’t that bad…I wasn’t being abused or anything…I wasn’t even miserable, but I wasn’t happy either, so was it worth leaving? I can say that I have no regrets in spite of the difficulty in logistics and costs leaving. For me, ‘not miserable but not happy’ wasn’t enough to sustain.

There’s no limit to the amount of love we all deserve. There’s people that will love you in exactly the way you need. Staying in an unfulfilling relationship won’t protect your heart or theirs. Kids will be happier if their parents are happier apart. Money can be figured out. Support is out there if you look for it. Just remember that staying could be the right choice for you, but don’t let the other reasons hold you back if your happiness will improve with leaving.

5. When people say ‘relationships take work’, it doesn’t mean it’s normal for day to day interactions to be consistently difficult or argumentative.

Healthy relationships are founded on friendship, respect, and ease. ‘Work’ doesn’t mean no one is ever angry, never does something hurtful, or there’s no external stress. But the ‘work’ part needs to be about prioritizing your partner and romance, in spite of all the other crap life throws at us. The ‘work’ is figuring out how to argue in healthy ways, how to truly compromise, and making effort to appreciate your partner. ’Work’ in a relationship shouldn’t mean your relationship has struggles daily, you have to work to avoid bickering constantly, or to be kind and respect your partner. If those things don’t come easy, there’s probably some large fundamental differences that may not be overcome, no matter how much ‘work’ both of you put in.

6. A romantic relationship should add to your happiness, it shouldn’t ‘make you happy’.

I think this concept of a person ‘making us happy’ is a holdover from fairytales where a handsome prince swoops in and rescues the princess from a difficult life (think Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel). I always loved the song ‘Fairytale’ by Sara Bareilles who sings about the fairy tales not being what they’re cracked up to be.

My advice is to try to have a full life without a partner. Seek happiness in all that you do. Find hobbies, travel, find a kindred community, spend time with your chosen family, get pets to snuggle, have a career you enjoy, volunteer, engage in spiritual practices…whatever boosts your mood and happiness levels independently of whether or not you’re partnered. Then choose a partner who enhances what your life is already doing for you.

This doesn’t mean that finding a partner shouldn’t be or can’t be a priority for you. I’ve never been one who’s enjoyed being single, but am I ok being single? Absolutely. Try to structure your life so that being with someone wrong for you, is worse than the feeling of being single.

That’s it for now! Good luck out there in the dating world!

Therapy vs. Coaching: What’s the difference?

I wanted to address this question because I’ve had it come up very often with clients, and even among fellow therapists. I have worked in a coaching capacity in the past, and I have been a therapist for over a decade now. The simplest way that I’ve always explained it is that any therapist can be a coach, but not any coach can be a therapist. The ethics and boundaries between roles get tricky at times, and switching between the two isn’t easy for most people to navigate.

Coaching isn’t regulated. Period. There is no education requirement. There is no certification that is legal…there may be a certification through a course or program, but there’s no guidelines for what constitutes a valid coaching course or program.

Therapists require extensive education and training programs, most of which are accredited by groups like the APA or CACREP to make sure they meet specific national standards. There also many years of working with clients while supervised. Once licensed, therapists are required to stay up to date with techniques, ethics, record keeping, etc, and participate in continuing education to renew their licenses. Coaching does not require any of that.

There is no governing body for coaches (life, wellness, dating, etc) that has oversight like a licensed therapist. Sure, therapist guidelines vary a bit from state to state, but there are always clear ethical guidelines in place in each state and for each type of license. There are instructions for clients to make complaints if there’s a violation of rules, and violations of ethics codes, HIPAA, etc, can effect a therapist’s ability to continue to practice. If a coach does something that is unethical or harmful, there is no governing body to report them to, or even a clear course for legal action. HIPAA guidelines do not apply. Coaches might be doing unethical things and have zero repercussions.

Coaching should be focused skill building and techniques, your day to day life management, goal setting, etc. Therapy can have these components as well, but in therapy these skills revolve around a diagnosable mental health condition. For example: Learning some good dating and communication skills, looks much different than learning techniques to manage intrusive thoughts with OCD.

If a coach is working with someone who has a higher level of need (suicidal ideation, eating disorders, substance abuse, etc) they should be referring that client out for mental health support, especially if they continue coaching that client.

I hope this helps people understand a bit more what the differences are. Unfortunately, until the coaching profession is regulated somehow, there’s going to be confusion. I’m not even sure most coaches understand the boundaries and ethics they should be operating under. There are bad therapists even with extensive education, oversight, and an ethical code, so what does that say about coaching as a profession with none of those requirements to do the job?

Can people benefit from coaching? Absolutely! Are there good coaches out there? Absolutely!

BUT I do believe clients need more information about what coaching is and the fact that if they accidentally pick a bad one, theres no real protection for them.

Good luck out there, and feel free to reach out with questions!

Not my image but helpful graphic from Montgomery County Counseling Center

COVID and the art of slowing down

I’m definitely behind on the blog, but I decided to update and try to post more consistently. The last few years I have been quite interesting to put it mildly.

As with most (all?!) of us, the experience of a global pandemic has been stressful, strange, and required a lot of adjustments in life. I started immunosuppressive drugs prior to the pandemic, and it unlocked fresh anxiety around my health and the potential of getting sicker. I was pretty cautious at the beginning prior to vaccinations, and while I do feel more comfortable now, I continue to do things like wear a mask in crowded areas or stores. Over time, most of the anxiety has eased, and I did get COVID finally in early 2023. Thankfully it was mild for me. I had hoped to eventually feel like things were normal again, but it doesn’t quite feel that way, and maybe we’re adjusting to a new normal very slowly.

During the ‘lockdown’ portion of 2020, it was very difficult to stay home and be isolated at first. Like most people, I did what I could to stay connected to people via technology, but gradually my life just slowed down anyway. Sometimes those distanced zoom meetings were fun and uplifting, but some just felt like a chore. I was sad that I no longer had things to do and places to be after work and over the weekends. It was a shock to the system in many ways, and I mourned the loss of a social life.

When I began doing telehealth full time toward the end of 2020, something shifted. I realized that without a commute and the other trappings of in-person work, I felt more refreshed, even with a full time job. I remembered to eat lunch and drink fluids more often. I made healthier dinners and worked out because I wasn’t wiped out after commuting home or staying late at work. I loved the increase in delivery services during this time. I felt safer by not risking COVID daily.

Now that we’re three years out from that time, I am noticing that for myself, many of those early pandemic habits have stuck. It’s much easier for me to be alone than it was, and to get enjoyment out of the alone time. I do have more of an in person social life again, but it’s definitely different and less frequent.

The biggest lesson has been finding what works for me for self care. I still prefer to cook healthier dinners instead of going out. I enjoy telehealth and working from home, which gives me the ability to take breaks to make food, garden, work out before the end of the day, and spend more time with my pets. I have embraced slower mornings and time to savor my coffee, journal a bit, and start my day with breakfast.

Slowing down forced me to look at my priorities and figuring out what ‘self care’ really looks like for me. That has been a huge game changer in my daily routines. I will continue to re-evaluate over time, to make sure what I’m doing still works for me and keeps me happy. Self care isn’t always bubble baths and face masks, most of the time it’s things like prioritizing drinking water and stretching between meetings. Self care also won’t solve all your problems, but does provide a small buffer to how we cope with stress. Find what feels good and do as much of those things as you can.

Enjoying my coffee while Wanda watches squirrels.

Change is in the air…

Wow!  A year has passed since my last post.  I didn’t even realize that I let that much time pass.  Life gets crazy and all the “stuff” gets in the way of us doing what we want or need to do.

My life has been moving at a hectic place for the last 9 months or so, for a few reasons…the main reason was my job.  It’s slowing down now, and I’m grateful.  However it wasn’t without some struggle that I’ve come to this point.

I spent over a year commuting an hour (or more depending on traffic) one way to work.  I was working for a company that merged with a larger non-profit, and gradually the work culture started to change…I slowly stopped feeling valued for the work I was doing as a therapist.  Plus, I was working a contract for the company in a preschool, which I loved.  Suddenly, I was told that now I could only do 10 hours instead of the 20 hours I’d been doing for over a year.  I felt disconnected from the preschool, both the kids and the teachers I was working with.  I was forced to pick up new clients to meet the salary differential from losing preschool hours, which means more paperwork, more travel to client homes, later nights, more stress.  Needless to say, I was not pleased.  To put it bluntly I was exhausted and overextended…not doing as good of a job with clients as I could, and admittedly crankier at home.  I started looking for a new job.

I landed an interview for a job near the end of October, and I was nervous for all the usual reasons…not qualified enough, felt that they wouldn’t like me, etc.  I got hired for November, and it’s been better for me that I could have planned.  I’m running a residential home for special needs adults (mostly cognitive challenges), which is 5 minutes from my house.  There’s a learning curve with this being my first residential position…I’ve never had to be part of an on-call rotation, it’s my first time supervising staff outside of retail and restaurant, making schedules, managing budgets, and learning new paperwork/filing systems.  BUT after 5 months, I feel like I’m getting into a groove.  I am enjoying the people and the new experiences, I’ve already made great social connections.

I’m so glad I made a change.  To be honest, this isn’t the turn I envisioned my career taking…but I’m not regretting a second of it.  It’s interesting how the paths to satisfaction and happiness aren’t always what you envision at the start of your journey.  I could have easily stayed on at my old position for another 6 months, which likely could have dragged on into a year.  I could have forced myself to get through it, while the stress chipped away at my mental health.  Instead I took a step and proactively put myself out there.

Even starting the journey, putting out resumes and reaching out to people, helped me feel more at ease.  I realized that where I was on my timeline and how I was feeling, wasn’t a forever point in my life.  Things keep moving even when you don’t want them to, but if you’re feeling stagnant and stalled, it usually just takes a small nudge by yourself or someone else to get the ball rolling. I’m lucky enough that in this case of my job, I was motivated on my own because of the circumstances making me unhappy…but sometimes you need an external push to make small changes that will positively impact your life.

If you read last year’s post about spring and changes, you’ll understand that this is ALWAYS the time of year that I’m more motivated.  Winter puts me in a funk and nothing saps my motivation more than cold weather and snow.  If this post resonates with you, and you’re looking for a boost in accountability, or even wondering how wellness or lifestyle coaching can help you, send me an email.  I’m happy to answer questions, and maybe even help you get started with me or someone on my team.

Happy Spring!

Spring Renewal

Spring is often representative of renewal and rebirth in many different ways.  There are numerous religious celebrations and traditions in this season that demonstrate that idea, from pagan egg decorating to the Christian visuals of Christ rising from the dead.  No matter what you believe or don’t believe, this season can be a more powerful motivator for change in your life than many other seasons.  Even without the metaphors presented to us, spring is a literal coming out of the death, dark, and cold of winter and into the growth, light, and warmth.

Many people make New Years resolutions for health or wellness, and find themselves failing very quickly…the motivation is just not there.  However, does anyone ask themselves why they are not motivated?  Do people take the time to unpack and evaluate the underlying reasons why they are failing?  Maybe some don’t acknowledge the need for recovery time from a stressful holiday season…maybe it’s seasonal affective disorder (SAD) giving us mild depression…maybe it’s something else entirely…

I’ve come to realize that I struggle with the darkness and the cold in winter, especially here in New England.  In spite of eating generally healthy whole foods, and taking vitamin D supplements, throughout the winter I find myself lacking energy and seeking warmth in comfort foods (hello, chocolate anything!).   In spring, I find that I really want to be outside more, after feeling like a tired, caged animal for most of the winter.  Being outside vastly increases my mental and physical well-being.  I notice that I’m automatically reaching for fruits and vegetables that are now coming into season, since they are finally fresh and full of taste.  Longer days means I’m more energized when I’m done with work, so I want to meet up with friends and be social.

These are the natural cycles for myself, which coincide with the season change.  Knowing this about myself, makes it MUCH easier to set short term or long term goals for my personal wellness.  I’m not going to set hard goals for myself in winter when I know I’m going to lack motivation and energy to accomplish them.  If I’m setting myself up for failure, I might just keep procrastinating or scrap the goals all together out of frustration.  Setting myself up for success in this way, means that I will continue to make progress and accomplish my goals eventually.

So I’ll leave you with some questions to ponder:

• Does it feel like a good time to start a new goal?
• What areas of wellness would you want to target first?
• Can you identify any personal cycles in the year you can use to support goals?
• What are barriers to accomplishing goals in different seasons?

Happy Spring!  Use it to your advantage!